Follow Your Instincts (But Whose, Exactly?)

The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. And I was making my way outside for my first real outing since having my first baby.

W was a charmer. She smiled early, ate well, and slept well at night, and I was in a really good spot.

I had been invited to join a mom’s group, the second part of an all-natural birthing support class I had signed up for. And let’s be clear. I needed it to be all-natural because I don’t like needles. At all. I am not here preaching natural birth, but at the time I was genuinely afraid of an epidural and wanted to do everything possible to avoid one. (Sidenote: not only did I end up with the epidural, I was induced, and many, many needles followed. We all survived. Lol.) But I digress.

I share this because the class I had chosen might give you a sense of the other parents who were there and what they were hoping to achieve. Naturally, because I hate being late, W and I showed up first. I slowly lifted her out of the carrier, placed her on the floor in front of me, and we just stared at each other. Cooing. Giggling. And I had this thought: “Wow, look at her. So comfortable and confident on the floor. Good for her.”

I watched as the other moms arrived, we sat down, and we chatted. The group was led by the most calm, loving, warm person. Truly meant to lead this group. We’ll call her Natalie.

Natalie started things off by keeping it relaxed, going around the circle to check in and see how everyone was doing. We started on the other side, and one by one, most of the others began to break down. “How am I supposed to shower with the baby on me?” “The constant overnight breastfeeding is exhausting.” By the time it got to me, I felt like such an asshole.

We were not having these problems. I had sort of been going with the flow and it was working. I knew I had a pretty chill baby. So I shared a silly story about accidentally nuking my breast pump parts too hard in the microwave and we moved on. But I remember many of the moms sharing that they had chosen attachment parenting and were feeling completely overwhelmed by it.

At that point in my parenting journey, I had only read books on breastfeeding and sleep. We were doing well. I went home and looked up attachment parenting and felt immediately overwhelmed. Bed sharing, breastfeeding, babywearing, as much as possible, all of the time. My immediate thought was: why do we need to prescribe this so rigidly to parents? Why can’t we just follow our instincts?

Ten years later, I still scroll past anti-sleep-training accounts pushing the narrative of following your instincts, and I laugh every time.

My instincts were never to sleep with my baby. My instincts told me she needed her own space. I did not read anything that told me this. I did not feel pressured into it. It was just what felt right to me. Were my instincts wrong? That continues to be the real question here.

When we tell parents to follow their instincts, whose instincts are we actually talking about?

So many families come to us because their instinct is to help their baby sleep. They want to respond. They want to support. And they should! That is a completely valid instinct. And the families who do not want sleep training? Also completely fine. Also valid. The instinct gets to be yours.

The account I came across this morning was a coach who helps new mamas “reclaim their instincts.” I’m sorry, what? How do you lead someone to their own instinctual knowledge? People hire us because they want independent sleep, and that’s what we do. But anyone who has spoken to me or anyone on our team knows we do not care how you choose to sleep or do life. There are so many great ways to be a parent, and you are in charge of what your instincts are.

Maybe your instinct is to breastfeed through the night but not bedshare. Maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe it’s neither. Your baby will thrive when you are regulated, and I say this again and again: what gets you to regulation is entirely up to you. It is not up to me. It is not up to any instinct coach on the internet. It is up to you.

The one thing I would add here, and I think it often gets lost in this conversation, is that instincts take time to develop. You are not born knowing your baby. Your baby is not born knowing you. Give yourself the grace of that learning curve before you let anyone, including a well-meaning online community, tell you what your gut should be saying. Some of what feels like instinct in those early, foggy, depleted weeks is actually fear, or pressure, or exhaustion.

Take some time with your baby. Get to know them. Get to know you.

This is just permission to actually follow your instincts, wherever they may lead you.