Everyday Discomfort

 

There, I said it. I know this isn’t a shocking or particularly nuanced revelation, but I’m writing this on January 28, which actually feels more like January 67, if you catch my drift. I’m uncomfortable. I’m here in Stratford, Ontario, where I’ve shovelled my driveway what feels like 47 times this month. It’s gray, snowy, and cold—conditions in which I definitely do not thrive.

 

 

Between you and me, dear reader, I’ve been at this long enough to get pretty exhausted by the back-and-forth arguments for or against sleep training. These debates pop up every four to six months on social media and in my Instagram DMs from stressed-out, tired parents.

 

Here’s the summary:

 

As a social worker, I look at the systems and structures surrounding parents and their families. The support each family has is different; the resources vary; how a parent responds to sleeplessness varies; every child’s temperament is unique. So the decision to sleep train is truly an individual one.

 

What especially interests me is the concept of discomfort. Nobody who has sleep-trained a child can claim it was wonderful for everyone. It can be stressful for both parent and child; it’s not exactly “fun” work. Often, parents hire a sleep consultant for guidance through it (Hi!).

 

When people argue against sleep training, they often point to the idea that children and babies shouldn’t have to experience any discomfort or stress. While that might be ideal, it’s not realistic. I’ve driven on the 401 with a screaming baby who wants out of the car seat, and I’ve dealt with a toddler crying because the cup was blue instead of red. Discomfort happens, whether we like it or not.

 

What’s tricky about sleep training is that parents are choosing to say, “You will be uncomfortable during this learning process”—on their child’s behalf. That’s a tough decision. Opponents of sleep training often tap into the primal fear of making our children unhappy in any way. As loving parents, we naturally want our kids to be as happy as possible. However, as your child gets older, you willhave to set boundaries and say “no” quite frequently. Children are meant to experience some discomfort, ideally alongside a loving, responsive caregiver, and sleep training need not be any different.

 

If you’re constantly tired, cranky, and yelling at your child at 3:00 a.m., consider how much everyday discomfort your child is experiencing—versus the possibility of one to three “tough” nights, followed by a more rested, calmer caregiver. It’s just some food for thought during this uncomfortable, gray, and sad month of January. I often counsel out of sleep-training for families who appear well-supported and well-rested because sleep training isn’t the right choice for everyone. That said, helping your child sleep all night long is a perfectly respectful, normal thing to do if it works for your family. 

 

 

So, let me give you permission to play around with discomfort. If it doesn’t happen during sleep training, I promise it’ll happen on the 401 on some random Tuesday afternoon at 5:00 p.m.

 

With all the love,